Tuesday, 18 July 2017


"You should sterilise anything your baby might come into contact with. Including sofas and the neighbours cat". 
It's 4am. My baby is fussing. He's got a full tummy but he desperately wants some comfort. I want to sleep. I reach for his dummy. I drop his dummy. I watch his dummy drop onto the floor. I watch his dummy roll across the carpet. I don't know when I last hoovered. Was it last week? I pick the dummy up. I put the dummy in my mouth to remove carpet residue. I put the dummy in my babys mouth. AHHH, sweet sweet silence.

"You really should let your baby cry instead of comforting him whenever he makes a sound". 
Oh really? Yeah? Sorry, must dash, I think I just heard my baby murmur so I need to snuggle him for 3 hours and then watch him sleep for another hour. I love my baby. I want him to know that if he needs me I'm going to go to him. I'm gonna comfort him whenever he damn well asks for it Aunt Patricia.

"Make sure you ask visitors to wash their hands before holding your baby".
Why? What do you think my family do in their spare time? Touch nightclub toilets? Make ornaments from compost heaps? What do you think they're doing when they arrive at my house? Ramming their fingers inside my baby's mouth and swishing them around? BRING ON THE GERMS, I ain't raising no wimpy kid.

"It's important to get up, get dressed and put some makeup on every morning to feel normal".
Honestly, I feel more normal when I'm in my jogging bottoms and my hair is a nest on top of my head. I'm with my baby 24 hours a day and a good chunk of those hours are spent sleeping, nursing, washing baby sick off my hoodie and clearing up poonamis. Straightened hair and a cat eye are underneath 'Iron the husbands pants' on my to-do list.

"You can't drink alcohol if you're breastfeeding".
Yeahhhhhhh you can. Watch me. I might even have a second glass if you stay long enough. The NCT advises that if you feel sober enough to drive a car then you are okay to breastfeed. Let nursing mothers rejoice. We've earned a sodding glass of wine and we shall not be judged.

"Don't nurse or co-sleep if you are tired".
Solid advice for a new mum: "Don't feed your baby if you are tired". Should I also not change my baby if I'm tired in case I accidentally wrap him in barbed wire? What if I'm too tired to pick my baby up and I end up dropping him into a pit of fire and snakes? OF COURSE I'M GONNA BE TIRED WHEN NURSING OR CO-SLEEPING. THAT'S WHY WE'RE SLEEPING. WE'RE TIRED.


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