Monday, 6 February 2017

A PREGNANT LADY PSA


So being pregnant does weird things to your body. You're sick, you're tired, you're sad, you're hyper, you don't want to leave the house, you don't want to tell anybody you're pregnant, you want someone to hug you, you want to punch the next person who talks to you. It's weird. Do you know what's weirder? PEOPLE DO NOT REACT APPROPRIATELY TOWARDS PREGNANT WOMEN AT ALL.

What is it with you guys? What about "I'm pregnant" turns you so mental? This is a pregnant lady PSA bitches.


DON'T TOUCH ME 
Do not touch me. Don't affectionately rub my belly, don't pat my back. If you didn't feel comfortable patting my KFC belly before I was pregnant then why would I want you touching it now it has a baby inside it? Also, if I'm like 3 months pregnant then the majority of my "belly" is literally still KFC. I don't have a bump. You're just rubbing me. It's horrible. Staaaaaaahp.

DON'T TELL ME I'M NOT ENTITLED TO FEEL LIKE SHIT 
"Umm it's like the size of a poppy seed and you can barely get off the sofa? SUREEEE". Let me tell you something 'lady who has never been through the first trimester'. I felt sick a week before my period was due. Feeling sick, tired and dizzy were the first cards that pregnancy dealt to me. I fainted in the first week of my pregnancy. My appetite completely disappeared (I KNOW!) and I was unable to eat a proper evening meal for 2 months. I lived off weird dry bits of toast and water. The shittiest part of pregnancy is the very first part, and feeling 'terrible' is the most common symptom of early pregnancy.

I DON'T WANT YOUR OPINION ON NATURAL BIRTHS OR VACCINATIONS
"I assume you'll want a natural birth?". Why, of all things holy, would I want a natural birth? I take paracetamol for the smallest headache. I put a plaster on my leg if I cut myself shaving. I'm not saying I'm going to pussy out and opt for an elective cesarean but if there are drugs to be had I want them all.  Gas and air? Yeah. Epidural? I'm definitely up for that. Gimme everything you've got. I'm going to be proud of myself either way. Also, preaching to me about vaccinations or water births or breastfeeding is a waste of your breath. The vaccinations are happening. I don't need you to tell me about your cousin who vaccinated her kids and now they're in prison.

I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU MY BABY NAMES
I don't have a name yet. Not one that we've decided on 100%. I don't want to tell you the names I like and the names I don't like. I'll announce the name when he's born, when you're less likely to shout "Ew no that's terrible" to my face. I'm such a bore, I know- you've told me 900 times.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR LABOUR HORROR STORIES 
Everybody has a terrifying birth story in their repertoire, and since I announced I was pregnant I've heard about 40 of them along with advice like "So basically if you have gas and air you'll end up paralyzed like my mate". Oh! Cool! Thank you SO MUCH! Luckily, I have some truly gorgeous mummy friends who have been supportive and nothing but lovely. I've had loads of helpful advice and tips, and a lot of adorable birth stories. I think any birth story ending in "And then she died" should automatically be something that you aren't allowed to tell a pregnant lady. Believe it or not, these arseholes are out there and they have a fucking story for you.


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