Monday, 25 July 2016

Standing Still

The past month has been interesting, to say the very least. In some ways I've had a really good month and in other ways I've had a pretty tough one. I'm smiling today, which is what counts I guess.

I have a few close friends who are going through some testing times right now. Testing is the most polite way I can think to phrase it. It's hard to know what to do, or what to say, and the most frustrating thing for me is being unable to help. My instinct is to throw myself into the situation and try to find ways to distract from what they are going through but unfortunately a glass of wine and a weekend away isn't going to provide the remedy they need. As I get older I feel like the post-breakup heartbreak dramas are becoming less common and now I feel like when things go wrong they go seriously wrong. I realise I'm being vague but it's not my place to go into detail.

I think that I've been so affected by what is happening to my friends because it just puts my own life in harsh perspective. I've spent a few hours awake at night getting myself worked up about things that will likely never happen and I can't seem to switch off at night properly.

I was poorly last week and spent most of my time on the sofa with cold and flu tablets. It was the hottest week we've had in the UK for years so naturally I got the flu. I hate being off work but actually in hindsight I can admit that I needed a bit of a rest. My job has pressures that never feel overwhelming but are constant, and so can be draining.

In general, it would be ridiculous of me to claim that things are anything other than good. My husband finally relented and let me order two new sofas for the living room which I'm super excited about. The living room was the last bit of the house that I wasn't pleased with and I'm looking forward to getting it "how I want it". I've also bought a breakfast bar for the kitchen and I'm on the hunt for a couple of white barstools so that we can use the kitchen as more of a practical space. I think I'd cook more if we had somewhere to hang out and chat, so that will be nice. I've just arranged to have some decking built in the garden that I'm going to put the BBQ on which will free up the patio space. I'm already in love with the fact that I can sit in the garden and read a book or have a glass of wine; having an outside space is a really awesome thing.

I think that part of the reason my brain is so restless is because this is the first time I've really 'stood still' for such a long time. It's been engagements, hen parties, stag parties, weddings, honeymoons, home improvement, cars and working my actual butt off for the past couple of years. It feels odd not to be ferociously hacking away at a promotion in work. I think that my mind processed that as failure, or like I've given up on my goals. I guess what it actually is, is just 'standing still' for a bit, and I think that it's healthy even if it takes a bit of getting used to.

It's odd that in the most stable and quiet time I've had in so long I've found that my anxiety is through the roof. I'm not sleeping well; I'm playing terrifying scenarios through my head all night. I've had more panic attacks in the past 2 months than I've had in the past 2 years. It's probably just my brain catching up on what has been a manic year. I'm not too worried yet; these things come in phases with me and I'm sure I will be absolutely fine in a month. There are also big positives to feeling this way: I'm feeling super loved up and it's nice to lean on my husband for a bit of support sometimes. I definitely take him for granted and forget how utterly amazing he is in a crisis. My house is also spotless; yay for OCD.

To anybody I've neglected, I'm sorry. I have a few friends who I don't speak to regularly enough. The old me would have panicked that they would think I didn't care, but I don't really feel that way right now. I hope they know that I do care, and that I'm here. I'm always down for a night out with a bottle of Pinot. It's pretty much my medicine when I feel like this.

This turned proper Dear Diary/ Gossip Girl. Soz.

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