1. Complain about the entry fee: It's Saturday night, town is rammed, and you queued to get in here. Did you seriously not consider that you might have to pay to get in? The guy who gave you the flyer for £1 off entry needs to be paid a wage and guess what; it's coming out of the fiver you hand in at the door.
2. Get your money out of your bra: I don't care whether you showered 3 minutes before handing over your cash- I do not want your tit sweat on my hands. Money is one of the dirtiest things we come into contact with on a daily basis, why are you storing it against your actual skin? Now I think you have chest spots. Now I think your money has touched your zitty titties. Now I hate you.
3. Ask for "the strongest, cheapest drink": What do you even mean? Spirits are strong. Do you want something stronger than spirits? Anything stronger isn't going to be cheap. Am I having a mental breakdown? Do you want this bottle of Dettol from the store cupboard? I'm so confused.
4. Get smashed before 9pm: People are catching up after a long week, drinking beers and preparing to get live. What are you doing? Screaming and laughing hysterically, rolling around the sofas with your dress above your waist whilst screaming hysterically, and throwing straws at one another whilst screaming hysterically. I remember when I had my first beer. Shut the hell up until I'm drunk enough to tolerate you.
5. Drink 48 drinks and then claim that you've been spiked: We've all been there- 1 minute you're fine and the next minute you feel absolutely smashed & need to back-door it before you start to slide off the chair. Maybe it's because you didn't eat properly or you decided to mix your drinks. Don't go zero to hero & then claim that somebody has 'spiked' you. We just watched you polish off 2 bottles of wine and down your 8th Jägerbomb . Your imaginative excuse for your sloppiness makes genuine victims of 'spiking' seem less valid in their claims, it's not fair and it makes us hate you.
6. Cry: Don't cry, especially not on complete strangers in the smoking area. Just don't do it. If you're the type of person that cries when you're drunk then stay at home. We're here to enjoy ourselves and to be honest I probably don't care what you're crying about because you're drunk. Don't approach a group of people you don't know and cry about your boyfriend. We don't care. Go home.
7. Wave your money at the bartender: We can see you. We saw you when you approached the bar. We saw that you approached the bar after the other group of people waiting to be served. We've also come to the conclusion that you wouldn't be standing at the bar if you didn't have any money. Don't wave your £50 note at the staff as if you should be shown over to a golden table decorated with golden swans and adorned with glasses of liquid gold. You're being served last now, you try-hard.
This post was inspired by my husbands' tales of life as a bar manager and by my best friend Lauren, who is hanging up her barblade today to persue her career in marketing. You go girl!