I thought I'd share some Turkey Tips now that I am an experienced Kalkan survivor. Enjoy!
SIAN'S TURKEY TIPS: How to be both Classy AND Trashy
- Be prepared for the airport. Dress appropriately. You want the travellers around you to think "Wow, what a classy group of hens they are, I bet she's off to marry Prince Harry or that guy who's Dad has a biscuit factory from Made in Chelsea". I went for understated chic, as per the below.
- Be ready to get lashed up lady style whilst waiting for your flight. Buy a few bottles of Champagne or Prosecco and split them between the girls whilst waiting for your gate to open at the airport. Make sure you drink them in a horrible Wetherspoons, or simply on a random bench near the gate. If possible, drink the champers out of wine glasses instead of Champagne flutes. You don't want the other people on the flight to see you as too much of a celebrity.
- Take airport selfies. Remember, if you don't Instagram it then you might as well be sat in your pants on the sofa at home. Selfies prove that you're all having fun. Hashtag fun. Hashtag banter.
- Take a load of photos of your stunning villa before it gets covered in makeup wipes, wine bottles and wet towels. This is a great way to prove to people that you're not completely revolting humans who drink 19 glasses of wine each and play hoopla with big black and pink penis dildos.
- Celebrate your first night in Kalkan by drinking 19 glasses of wine each and playing hoopla with big black and pink penis dildos. Perhaps use this golden opportunity to "accidentally" throw the plastic rings down into the villa of the fit boys next door. Unfortunately, we had my mum staying in the villa below us. Fortunately, she turned out to be a very excellent dildo game player. Ya learn something new every day.
- Hide the remnants of your penis play from the housekeepers. As it turns out, they will strategically hide the peen-eye under a cushion after you accidentally leave them outside on the dinner table the first night. If you try to play the same shit for two nights in a row they will simply steal your plastic friends and dispose of them. RIP Willy-Hoopla. I hope you're making a Turkish maid very happy right now.
- Take a relaxing and scenic walk down to Kalamar Beach Club. Make sure you tip the guys as you come in and they'll sort you out with some pretty gorgeous scenery for the day. Don't expect sand, because there isn't any. It should really be named "Kalamar Rock and Ladder Club", but I'll admit it isn't as catchy.
- To achieve ultimate class at the Kalamar Rock and Ladder Club, be obnoxiously loud whilst jumping into the sea one hundred and fifty one times until you achieve that perfect action shot. Chat up the gay couple next to you to enquire as to whether you can take their ridiculously adorable baby home with you for a day or two. Scowl at the woman who parks her stupid loud kids in the shade behind your beds. Contemplate throwing your phone at said woman; if Naomi Campbell would do it, so should you. Class.
- Hire a pedalo boat and then immediately realise that you can't fucking 'do' a pedalo boat. How does it work? You don't know. Does anyone know? Spend a good 20 minutes just trying to get from the sea on to the pedalo. Spend the next hour getting from the pedalo dock out to the sea. If you're lucky you might spot an old lady wearing a dress and trainers swimming in the sea on her own. We did. It was weird.
- Go out into Kalkan Bay for the evening and sample the local delicacies. The seafood pasta is great and there are plenty of authentic Turkish restaurants to choose from where the food is lush. Get the waiter to take photos of you and be sure to tell him how much he reminds you of Johnny Depp all evening. Call him Johnny Depp repeatedly until he agrees to take a photo of you where you look like you have angel halos above your head. It's like something from an Americas Next Top Model shoot. Class.
- Head to Yali Bar because it is the nearest bar that does cocktails and your feet hurt from all of the stupid hills. Immediately realise that you LOVE Yali Bar, and that the waiters are quite fit. Order all of the cocktails that come with a sparkler in them. Insider tip: they all come with sparklers. Order them all.
- Drink wine until you feel quite drunk. Then, have one more glass before deciding to befriend every homeless dog in Kalkan. Do you know whether they're rabid? No. You're a philotherian and you will save all of the gross dogs.
- Drink so much that you decide that you all definitely have to go to a club even though you decided months ago that you would 100% not be attending any nightclubs in Turkey. Get the fit waiter from Yali Bar to help you smuggle your wine into Karma Club. Remember to maintain your English manners and represent England as the glorious and respectful country that it is. Scream with excitement for approximately one hour as your uber-gay waiter brings out whipped cream, fruit, wine and shisha. Proceed to kick the shisha pipe over onto the entire party leaving mild to medium burns as a sort of "Hen Party Brand". Finally, blackout and give the amazing gay waiter all of the money you've ever owned in your life before running out of the door wearing Karma Club t-shirts whilst proceeding to cry for most of the way home. "Girls, remember Turkey of 2015?" "Yup, I've still got the scars Sian".
- Spend the entirety of the following day eating crisps in the living room whilst watching Harry Potter. It's not a wasted day. It's a bonding experience. Use the dregs of your energy to venture upstairs to the cabana and hide in the shade. Burned skin is not classy.
- Use the final night to get the all important group photos before the long and horrible slog home with a bag full of Turkish sea shoes and a golden swan that the Yali Bar man gave to you as either a jewellery dish or a fancy Valium storage swan. One day your children will ask "Mum, wassat photo of?" and you will answer, with a tear in your eye, "Son, that was Turkey 2k15".